Baffling

This disease of alcoholism is absolutely baffling.  How someone can want to be healthy and doesn't want to continue suffering from the alcohol and its many effects, yet go back to the bottle every time. 

I suffer from depression and anxiety.  And so there are aspects of my loved one's mental illnesses (their own depression, anxiety, and alcohol dependence) that I can relate to and understand to the extent of my own experience and also understand from what I know about my loved one and their experiences.

And yet not always.  It is brutal to watch them self-destruct, rise up in pain and resolution to change, and then drown in the self inflicted destruction.  Over and over again. 

It's also brutal to experience that hope of "maybe this time", and to see the hope crushed again with today's reality.  Not obliterated, but hurt.

For tonight I will do my best to navigate the chaos and turmoil of active alcoholism and do my best to take care of my own needs.  I've done okay so far with this when I wasn't around my loved one.  Let's see how the rest of the evening goes.

Today will not be the day they are sober.  But I can work on maintaining my own sanity and serenity today.